In this time of renewal

Sunday, February 5, 2017

So, to say the past three and a half years have been rough are an understatement. From my grandfather passing, to my mom suddenly dying, I've been pretty stressed, sort of depressed and I suppose a bit anxious.

To top it off, in August, I started getting weird skipped beat type sensations in my chest. This continued, adding a racing heart and panic attacks to the mix. I spent several evenings in the emergency room with no one able to come up with a good explanation for anything before I finally saw a doctor and then a cardiologist who haven't really given me  an explanation for what's going on. I've been medicated for the palpitations, which are still occurring and I'm still seeing the doctors but no one has been able to say much other than, your tachycardia isn't dangerous, or, your body is doing what it needs to do (in reference to the new arrhythmia that I'm experiencing). It's been stressful to say the least.

I've sadly haven't had really any motivation to do much of anything. I haven't for quite some time. Whether that's depression or anxiety or both, I don't know. However, I miss connecting with nature, with the Goddess, with the energy of things around me. I've been trying to make it a point, connecting with the energy of Imbolc with my partner, engaging in a pretty small candle ritual.

We lit some candles and placed our intent in the cauldron in the center of which we later buried them for them to grow.

I've been feeling witchy lately, so I made a purchase and bought some oils and candles for some intentional spells that I feel need to occur. Tonight, I began with the spiritual cleansing candle, anointing it, and lighting in to cleanse me spiritually of past hurts and heavy burdens. I paired this with a healing incense. Later, I will light a healing candle, probably when I am done with the cleansing candle.

I have felt stuck and stagnant for so long, I am hoping that with these tools and some motivation, I can work towards removing those blocks and moving past my hold ups. I have such a tendency to hold things in that I know it's not healthy but it's how I cope. Instead, I think I need more spirituality in my life, which is something that I've felt like I've been lacking for quite some time, especially over the past few years. I've even avoided attending CLFUU services online, something that I used to do pretty regularly. I have missed the connection and I need to actively work towards it more.

Sometimes I feel like I lack community and maybe community is what I need. Sometimes I loathe the idea of community because I am definitely a solitary creature.

I plan to bring this blog back, to blog more about my experiences, my ups and downs and my reconnection to my spiritual side.

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